Folio · 2017

Diary of Jane

Athena Rutland

High school was unimportant to me. I was sadistically bullied in school to the point where I formed a psychological disorder known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, which contains one or more personalities. The first personality I had ever developed was back in 5th grade, and is still with me today. She is the strongest personality that I have, and we don’t always get along. Because we didn’t always get along, she felt that isolating me from everyone around me was the best way to get revenge on me. She pushed away my family and friends, making her all I had left. I slowly fell into a vast pit of loneliness, making me an easier target for bullying. I had chosen to stay home that fateful day when the next personality surfaced.

I was in the shower contemplating my life, and what I wanted for my future. The hot rushing water sprayed against my back. Steam rose and began to cloud my vision. I closed my eyes, the heat of the water and the lack of vision caused me to lose track of reality and wander off into my head, meeting with Sapphire, the first personality. She was hostile, as always.

“What do you want?” She asked me, a bitter glare in her eyes.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m failing myself, my family, my friends,” I said pathetically, my self-esteem slipping away from me. Sapphire scoffed at me.

“What friends? You’re alone, remember? Your mom isn’t there for you. Your friends aren’t there. You don’t have anyone but me. You’re alone.” A sadistic smile played on her lips as her harsh words jabbed at me. A loud beeping startled me out of my mind, bringing me back to reality. I had once again been in the shower for too long and the fire alarm was blaring due to steam. My bathroom door flung open as my neurotic, anxious dog, Zeus, came running into the bathroom, jumping into the shower with me to get as close to me as possible.

“Dammit, Zeus!” I snapped, scrambling to shut off the water to prevent him from getting wet. I sighed and shoved him out of the tub. Quickly, I turned off the shower and grabbed a towel, throwing it over my wet body and running into my room. I opened all the windows so that the room would clear, shortly silencing the fire alarm. I threw on a bathrobe and proceeded to my kitchen. Little did I know my mother was home. She was on the phone, but the way she quickly hung up, I knew it was a school phone call. She turned and looked at me, anger flickering in her eyes.

She crossed her arms like angry mothers do. Her eyes were narrowed, a look I had gotten used to. Her body was tense, suppressing her anger. I didn’t blame her. She was successful in school and held high expectations for me which I only rejected.

“Athena. Why aren’t you at school?” she asked me sternly. I could feel a headache coming on as Sapphire surfaced a little to acknowledge the interactions.

“I didn’t feel like going,” I replied quickly to her, not looking her in the eye. I could feel that was the wrong answer to give but she didn’t know about the bullying. She didn’t understand why I didn’t feel welcomed.

“What the hell are you doing with your life?” Her tone of voice grew harsher, fury building with every word. I turned my head away from her, making it easier to hide my emotions. I don’t know, I thought to myself. I remained silent.

“You’re never going to be successful, Athena. You don’t care enough about anything. You’re immature and you lack responsibility. You have no concept of what’s important in life and you’ll never amount to anything.” Her words were pointed daggers stabbing into my heart. The one person who was supposed to be there for me had turned her back on me. I had no escape from the bullying. It followed me everywhere. This was my life. I was obviously meant for nothing more.

Let me help you.”  A new voice filled my head. Her voice was longing, and sad, but I felt comfort through the soft tone. Tears welled up in my eyes from the cruel words of my own mother.

“Okay.” I choked out that single response. It was to the both of them. I turned away, quickly walking to my room. I collapsed on the ground, sobbing. It was the first time I wanted to die.

“Get up and take me to the bathroom,” the voice said to me. I slowly picked my body up, choking back my tears. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t even recognize myself. “ Let me take control.” Her words pierced through my mind, but I willingly surrendered. I was behind closed doors once I allowed her to take over. Just Sapphire and I alone together once again, both curious as to what this new one would do. I turned to Sapphire who only glared at me with an intense ferocity.

A sudden rush of pain filled my left arm, repeatedly. The song “Diary of Jane” by Breaking Benjamin screamed in my ears. The pain began to pulsate and ease itself. “Feel better?” the voice asked me before slipping away into silence. When I came back to my senses as one person, I looked to my forearm that burned with pain. Five red lines were draped over my wrist, blood slowly oozing from them. I felt a soft feel of release as I watched it slowly make its way down my arm. I stared at my arm in shock from the blood. This was real. She was real. I let another one in. The name Lillian floated into my head, sharp and red just like the lines on my arm. She became Lillian and she showed me a new way to release the pain.

Folio · 2017