Good Bye

Ashley Bartlome

 

 

Britt,

I didn’t mean to be obsessed at the end. I really didn’t. I didn’t mean to bore you or follow you around all the time. But I was scared. And don’t get me wrong, you so amazing and great at the beginning. Like how you’d call me each night to make sure I was okay. And how you bought me that vampire nail polish, or the capo for my guitar. And remember how we dared each other to walk through that lake, and you cut your foot on wire and bled all the way home and thought you were going to die? I was a really terrible nurse. In more ways than one I guess.

I really did lean on you. And I really do want to understand your weariness. Two years is a long time to hold up the world and you were so tired. And I get that, or at least I want to think I do. I mean I was tired too.

But I guess I’m just not that good at detaching myself. Not that you needed to detach anything, you didn’t know Claire that well and I didn’t either until the end. But that hospital trip with her marked me. I’d never seen death. Being that close to it kinda shut me down. It just happened so quietly. And then there was just a thick silence while I sat there with her family.

I chocked on it for a long time. You saw that. You even tried to help me swallow it all. But I just couldn’t take that pill. The memory lived in me like some sort of lie or maybe it was a wish. And I had to hold it. Especially after you wouldn’t let me put it down anymore.

You don’t have to say it. I know you blew me off. And I guess that’s why I walked away and let you go. I’m sorry I blew you off when you apologized though, or at least I’m sorry now. I mean after all the times you ignored my calls and emails or forgot to notice me it felt pretty good to give it back to you. But I’m sorry I was so hurt that I wanted to hurt you.

I wasn’t in the best place. And I accept that Aubrey was. She made you happy so I guess that’s what matters. Her family wasn’t a mess, she could sing and act and listen. She was prettier too. You always did like that. And despite past feelings I’m sorry she moved and you can’t be as close. And that you have to move on.

I know you want to pick things up again. And it was good to talk to you. I’ve missed you and I still miss you fiercely at moments. The thought of us was so tempting and so familiar. But I’ve come to realize that it’s familiar in the way your arm is still there after the scars have healed. And darling I could show you the scars. You were always the better nurse and maybe you could even help them fade.

But the thing is I’m not holding my breath. I haven’t for a long time. And I don’t hate you. Not anymore. And maybe I’m wrong; maybe you wouldn’t add anymore scars. Maybe it could be just like it was before. But as wonderful as building a ladder to our best moments in our past would be, it’s still moving towards the past. And for me that’s moving in the wrong direction. That’s not to say it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t fun and amazing. I just mean our actions now can’t alter our decisions then. So I guess I’m really saying goodbye for a second time. Only this time I really do mean it when I say good luck with everything. I hope you catch what you’re really waiting for.

Love,

Ash